Rempit: The One-Wheeled Wonders

Aiman's, a good friend of mine who bends to the left, description of Mat Rempits is "Random little malay guys who 'tune-up' random little motorcycles and ride around the streets.". Its either that or "Do you see those Malay dudes with mullets 'lepak-ing' and smoking outside that shopping complex? Rempit alert!"
Other characteristics of Mat Rempits include the look of despair of a suicidal person, a vocabulary consisting mostly or exclusively of "Eleh..." "Babilah kau..." "Eh...apa jeje ni? apa jeje ni?!" "Wah, spid giler" "Chee-lar-kah-bar-bee-pooh-kee-mark-kau" "Yeee-aaaahhh, aku hebat!" and "Aduh, dah patah dah".

Ever since a few months ago, the word 'Mat Rempit' can be seen all over newspapers and 8pm news. Also included are the various good deeds and the tire-marks of destruction and obstruction left behind by these two-legged, one-wheeled wonders.

"Mat Rempit harasses driver" "...they started surrounding me and threw rocks at my windshield..."
"Man beaten up by Mat Rempits" "...they said my car was blocking their racetrack, then they beat me up..."
"Rempits attack police" "...they became aggressive after a while and started smashing the windscreens..."

Obviously. These midnight bikers have been gravely misunderstood. I bet that they were just teasing the driver by pelting little harmless pebbles at his car. He must have over-reacted and can't even take a joke. In the other case, the guy was blocking their race-track, so he was obviously provoking them. Hah. Different people show their affection for authority differently. So when the Rempits started smashing the police cars up, they were just trying to say "I love you so-o-o much". They are harmless anyway. However, thanks to newspapers which tells the truth in gory detail, these road-loving, windscreen smashin', engine-revvin', Rempits are being made into bad guys.

After a while, some Kementerian something Minister someone genius proposed that rempits be made into a "tourist attraction". The obvious flaw in this proposal is, of course, that we have to compete with war-ridden countries. I mean, sure the Rempits can cause the equivalent of "all hell breaking loose", but tourist would much rather flock to Iraq to see bloodbaths and mangled corpes. So maybe not...
Unless we clear out an entire highway for these Rempits to perform their, usually death-defying (Guess what happens when they are not death-defying), circus stunts. Who wants a T-shirt?

Why stop at a T-shirt when you can also get the Kementerian endorsed 'Tuak Rempit'? Now comes in fruity flavours. Tuak Rempit is a volatile mix of terrapin blood, sugar, and other adrenaline-inducing goodness. It helps Rempits to get pumped up and ready for their suicidal stunts. It also nullifies pains that may occur due to broken or severed limbs, broken necks, cracked skulls, spinal injuries, and death.* These miracle drinks are priced at RM 4.90 per pack. Ah, there's nothing like a hot cup of Rempit goodness.

*Not sold in stores near you. Guaranteed Halal.

Today, Wednesday 13 December, I flipped open a copy of The Star, while still rubbing my eyes, and guess what I found on page 14. "Engaging Mat Rempit with useful activities".

This Kementerian dude, "Deputy Information Minister Datuk Ahmad Zahid Hamidi", says that all this while we have been seeing Mat Rempits in a negative light. He hopes that the 'kumuniti bestari' can look at their positive side and come up with activities for them. Unfortunately, he did not elaborate further, even though he is the "Deputy *Information* Minister". Fortunately, I will.

The smart-community programme will look at their positive side and come up with activities for them. I don't know what positivity they see in Rempits, but I will tell you what I see. I see road accidents with burning vehicles, or whatever is left of them, and assorted body parts laden all over the street. The burning vehicles will contribute to global warming, pity those kids who are freezing in those third-world countries. Whereas the body part will provide weeks of food for wild rodents and crows. How cute.
Another positive thing about Rempits is that they attack the police and the public. I guess out of 5 cops that they club, 3 might be corrupt and probably deserve t be thought a lesson anyway. 3 out of 5, good enough. Rempits, it is up to you to fight this injustice!
Have you ever been picked on? Is your boss evil? Did someone get away with something bad and there's nothing you can do to them?
Relax, one day, these friendly neighbourhood Rempits might take one of those people out, after, of course, bashing up tons grannies and innocent drivers. But, its worth it, no?

As for activities...

You are a Rempit.

You look to your left. You see some random Kementerian dudes and dudettes waving flags and banners with "Join the smart community today! Make a change!", and "Mari menyertai kumuniti bestari" on them. You understand neither slogans. You conclude that at least one the banners must be in some foreign language, because of the words "smart" and "change", and it promises cleaning drains and helping the needy.

You look to your right. You see a long stretch of road as far as the eye can see, or as far as 1km, whichever comes first. You imagine yourself gulping down Tuak Rempit while speeding past and terrorizing school children and senior citizens. You look at the expressions of fear and abject terror on their faces. Your pants suddenly becomes very tight between the leg area.

You rev the engine of your Kriss 1.2 litre motorcycle.
What will you do?

I also remember Wai Hung telling me that some random Kementerian dude, who might be Hisap... I mean Hishamuddin, said "Rempits are the future leaders of Malaysia".
Imagine that. Imagine Rempits with mullets and ciggarettes in their mouths riding on in front of a crowd while waving the Jalur Gemilang. Wow. Wouldn't that be beautiful?

Thumbs up for UMNO, and their kuminiti bestari. Two thumbs up for Badawi, whom I quote saying "We must educate them, if we cannot fight them, join them." and the vice president of UMNO who said "Nak rempit boleh, but stay in school.", which makes just about as much sense as "Go to the loo, eat some poo-poo, be cool, stay in school."

Rempits, newspapers rely on you for frontpage material. Rempits, you are an example of all that is care-free and good in Malaysia. Rempits, the future of Malaysia is in your hands! You ARE the future of Malaysia.

Now, excuse me while I come up with the lyrics of a song I'm writing entitled "Wawasan 3030" which is due for release in year 2020.

P.S. People have also mistaken me for a Rempit several times with hilarious results, until they find out that my name is Gustave Oon.
Cheers.

*DISCLAIMER*
No Mat Rempits were injured or killed in the making of this blog.

The little things...

Sometimes we rush through life. Following the latest trends. Doing what everyone else is doing. Cursing our parents for being too strict, old-fashioned, or absent-minded.

Goth or heavy-metal-punk-rock...whatever it's called, seems to be a hit with teenagers like you and me and Regina and every other 16 year-old Tom, Dick and Harry. I listen to it not because I love wearing black make-up and fantasize about suicide, but because some of my friends listen to it. Peer pressure, you know...ok, a few of the songs are nice. Particularly, Dead. It seems like I would like to see certain people dead. Then my player shuffles to a song by Tenacious D, Tribute. I noticed the sudden silence and lack of screaming. It was weird, but pleasing. No, I am not touching myself. You can actually make out most of the words they are singing. Plus their songs do not rock all the time, so when they DO rock, you notice. Whereas the "rock" songs are just rocking away like cocks on viagra. It's like sex. Wouldn't it be weird if you are orgasming the whole time? Hah. Appreciate those good ol' songs. It is impossible for me to blog when someone is shouting "WHAT'S THE WORST THING I COULD SAY?! THINGS ARE BETTER IF I STAY!!.."
I'm not dissing punk rock or My Chemical Romance...its just...too much of it.

Now, remember when you were a kid? Those with amnesia are excused. Didn't it piss you off when you asked your parents some simple questions and they either nodded, grunted, or shoo-ed you away with one hand?

I NEED 3 SECONDS OF YOUR TIME!
JUST TELL ME WHERE THE PEANUT-BUTTER COOKIES ARE!

Sound familiar?
Today I was having dinner, while watching Ed on StarWorld. My 5 year-old cousin Henry came up and asked me what time "The Law of Ueki" would be aired on Animax.

"Yea.."
"...I know, but what time is it, Gus?"
"...Mmm...yea Henry..."
"What time is.."
"Later! Haiyo!"
"...hmph..."

He then proceeds to sulk. It was only during a commercial that reminded me of my childhood and "those busy adults" that I popped up and looked for Henry. I told him that it was 7pm on Tuesday. He smiled. Then I asked him if he would like to turn his hair green. The smile grew wider, but it was not ear-splitting or anything physically impossible made into metaphor. He was obviously pleased with his temporarily green hair. His mum wasn't.

10 minutes later, Henry's brother, Timothy, who is still learning how to say my name correctly, ran around screaming in joy. Unfortunately, to me, it was just screaming. He had discovered Hacks, the black-greenish-cough-relieving candy that teenage smokers use to cover their deeds in school. He stood in front of the television, and I looked him in the eye and actually told him to "move away". Either he did not understand or he wanted to tick me off. Considering that he still wears diapers, I think its the former. So I moved him. He moved back. I moved him again. He came around the table and straightened his arm, offering me something. Unfortunately, I saw this as an act of aggression and grabbed his arm. He drop a small black object on the table. It was a Hacks candy...or whatever was left of it.

Do you know those kids who are anti-social retards? Those who fear rejection more than they fear Victorian prefects? You know...the kid in those movies who have loads of talent but needs someone to encourage him throughout the movie, who then at a crucial potentially heroic moment near the end jumps up and saves the day?

I think I just contributed towards pushing this kid a little nearer to the edge. Imagine Timothy. He discovered an amazing new food, and the first thing he did was run up to me screaming and jumping in joy just to share it with me. And the first thing I did was shout "QUIET! Move away, Timmy!"

Yes, I am a bastard. XD

No, I did not realize my mistake then. However, in order to hush him, I did pick the saliva-covered remnants of that Hacks sweet and, realizing from that innocently eager stare on his face that he was not going to give up until I put it in my mouth. So, doing what any Johnny loving, anime watching, 16-year-old teenager would do, (I'm looking at you.) I picked up the black piece and, after looking at the bubble of saliva on it, pretended to put it in my mouth and chew.

What would you have done?
(No, Shaun, this question does not require an answer in the comments section)

Sit back, relax, clear your head, and appreciate the little things in life. Because if you don't, ants will be swarming around pieces of candy left on the floor by innocent little kids.

Defense of the Ancients : 101

DotA.
The reason gamers stay up till 3 a.m.

DotA.
The one thing that transforms your basic average guy into a red-hot swearing machine.

DotA.
The ultimate test of friendship and trust.

DotA.
One of the greatest games ever.

Step into any cyber-cafe, and you will see little tree-men and skeletons swatting away at each other. Hang around the classroom, and jargon that consists of "BKB, MKB, Buriza, Stygian, Divine, Backstab and Gandbang" can be heard. And no, rape, in the normal context, is not involved.

When your ammunition belt goes off...

It never ceases to amaze me that so much can change so quickly. I wouldn't say in the blink of an eye. More like a dozen DotA games and several Kumon worksheets later. It all began on a Monday.

BlackLight.co.nr went down.

I wanted to DotA. It's the holidays. My fingers itch for hotkeys, my ears yearn for shouts of 'OWNAGE' and 'TRIPLE KILL', my eyes long for a dwarven sniper who just left himself open for a backstab. DotA.
A super thunderstorm happened. The DSL light stopped blinking. No DotA. My phone line is down.

I woke up to a dozen miss calls from Aiman and Amirul, which could only mean one thing, they are itching to go jamming. Aiman's grandma is having heart problems and is being hospitalized. His family is staying at a hotel nearby.
I made rendezvous with a long lost friend of mine, inviting me to go out for a movie with some of his friends.
Aiman said he would call back at noon to confirm the jamming. He called at 1pm. No jamming. His grandma passed away.

~I am listening to My Chemical Romance now. Gotta get the atmosphere.~

A TMnet truck stopped outside my house. A fat malay man climbed up the telephone pole and opened the casing. A very bored, and very frustrated (5 days without phone and internet wei) Gus showed his love for TMnet's customer service by sniping Fat Malay Man with his BBguns. Fat Malay Man got angry and started "swearing by the moon and the sun and the stars". No dial tone. Gus' hope for internet dies.

Big thunderstorm returns, phoneline doesn't. Backyard sinks by two feet, grandma panics. Grandma calls relatives. Gus takes pictures. Gus and Hans bunk in at grandma's room due to fear of huge landslide in the middle of the night. The next day, backyard sinks 8 feet. Grandma freaks out, Dad calls contracters. No more sleeping in for Gus. Workers start banging at the wall with sledge hammer from 9am.

I spent a whole hour toiling with my modem's port forwarding in order to create DotA games on BlueServer.org and have the supreme, ultimate power to kick players with 88, JBK, more than 2 z's,BaoBao, or SieNzZ, in their names.
Then I resetted my Aztech modem for it to take effect. No supreme, ultimate power. My modem died.

~I clicked the little blue button with an 'X' on the top right corner of my Creative MediaSource player. Music can be so distracting, especially after 1 hour of goth kids screaming threats of suicide and what nots.~

I called up Wai Hung to check out my comp and modem. He came the next day.
Apparantly, I have to hunt for a nearly non-existant motherboard and haul my modem back to LowYat to get it fixed. It rained again.

~I just realized, my freaking backyard is gone. Well, its mostly on the zinc rooftop of the house below it.~

The contractor and his underpaid workers are gone, but my backyard is still not there. They do not have "the necessary tools". I want my backyard back.

Hung did the unthinkable by hooking up my supposedly busted Kasda modem, which is provided by flalala-ing TMnet. Hallelujah. I can DotA.

No, I cannot. Very familiar signs of Indonesian trouble showed up on my computer. Double-clicking Panda Anti-Virus causes it to restart. This can only mean one thing. Brontok.A.
As if they haven't caused enough trouble by having a nation-wide camp fire, some self-righteous bastard comes up with this virus that spawns a window when you open internet explorer with a message that goes something like this :

"Hentikan kebrobrokan di negeri ini. Stop aborsi!!! Go to Hell!! Hentikan free sex!!! Hentikan porn!!!"

~I'm assuming the creator is an Indonesian by the "kebrobrokan" (keburuk-burukkan). ~

This delusional, self-righteous asswipe thinks he can stop free-sex. Haha. Its hoping that each time people have free sex they'll think of his message and "potong steam". And stopping porn? That is like saying you want to siege Heaven AND Hell with a BBgun in nothing but a pair of underwear and a St.John necktie.

Panda doesn't work. NOD32 gets stopped while being downloaded. MacAfee and Norton are way too high profiled.
Wise up Brontok, AVG can kick your ass.

*20 minutes, one crapping session, and 234 detected copies of Brontok.A later, Gus returns to his computer. The rain has stopped and the flourescent light is turned on. This IS the Hallelujah effect.*

The WC3 Banlist is working again. Gus is kicking people like SieNNzZ88 out over and over again. He wonders what force drives them to rejoin a room which they have been kicked out off a dozen times in the last minute. Gus concludes that they want to swear at him and continues kicking them. Holy shits, triple kills and OWNAGE fill the brightly light computer room with a view of KLCC, hills and potential BBgun targets. Aiman messages Gus asking him to go online for the link to his blog, The Smoking Monkey, because he is thinking of putting the link on a T-shirt he found. AVG is up and running and kicking virus ass while still allowing DotA and porn to be downloaded.

The world is a beautiful place once again.

Hallelujah!

The First Time I Did It.

Today is the first time I did it. It felt so, so, great. Simply amazing.

We were in a dark sound-proof room in Timesquare. Aiman was there too. Every little touch generated so much screams of joy and pleasure. The shear vibration shocked and left me in awe, so I stopped momentarily after the first stroke of my finger. We did it for one whole hour. I rubbed and stroked my fingers up and down, working magic out of thin air. Aiman, Khaidir and Amirul too couldn't stop screaming and laughing. No one wanted to touch Khaidir's.

In fact, it was all of our first time. And watching people do it on T.V and doing it in real life, not as difficult as it would seem. We can all be just like our favourite stars. By the way, it costed RM25 per hour. Best 25 bucks spent this year. We even went to StarBucks before it and surfed the internet to find interesting things that we could try out.

We even did it in several positions because my feet and hands were aching. We took only a few 30 second breaks even though we were sweating like pigs.Because we did not use protection, and because I am new to this, my fingers are all scratched up.


:)


I cannot wait to go jamming again. My first strum with an electric guitar was an Em, the starting part of 'Mimpi yang Sempurna' by Indonesian rockers 'Peter Pan'. And yes, after the first strum Aiman and I looked at each other. The bewildered look of someone who thinks he just invented sex on Aiman's face told me he was thinking the same thing as me..."Holy shit, was that us?"

From then on it was 10 minutes of slamming down on the guitar and fantasizing about performing on stage in front of an audience. Then we realized that we were not fantisizing at all. There were punk haired malay guys watching us through the soundproof glass. Eee-YEeerrr...

Then a migical, wonderful thing occured. Aiman put his palm up facing me, signalling me to stop and silencing Khaidir bass and Amirul's instinctive drumming. He looked down and our line of vision met at a small black pedal with the words "METALLIZER" printed on it. He stomped on it and a red LED lighted up, then he gave me the green light by nodding.

"RROOoooOOooOAAAAAaaRRrr........"

The room was filled with ear-splitting grins, insane laughter and screams!

"HAHAAHAHAHAAHAH!! OMG! OMG! Did you see....HAHHAAAAAAA! HOOOOO-BOY!"

Amirul swapped between the drums and vocals. He is an OK singer, but drumming seems to be his second-nature. Apparantly he has never taken calsses. Aiman, Khaidir and I took turns with the guitars and the.....argh....bass. In fact, at first, Khaidir got the bass, which happens to look like a cheap, wooden, mock guitar with four strings. No, it was not fun. Khaidir seems to be the only one who knows how to play it though. I stood there looking cool.

Among the songs we attempted to play were:
Mimpi yang Sempurna (Which was not very 'sempurna', but still close)
One Way (Christian rock song. But we changed Jesus to Surrej and Lianne and everyone was happy :P)
My Love (Which was not so love-ly at all)
I'm the only gay eskimo (Gay eskimo, rock? Nah...)

So much for searching for tabs on the internet at StarBucks.

We finished our last few minutes by singing the Retarded Animal Babies (RAB) version of Star Wars.

I quote Aiman saying between hitting single notes on his electric guitar:

"Hahaha!
I am bad!
Who wants to sleep with me?!"


With electric guitars, anybody can be cool.
Hallelujah.

Turning BlackLight On.

Hallelujah! Cheers! Ku-chi Ku-chi! Mama-mia!

Welcome to BlackLight.

The first thing that I, Gustave Oon King Chuan, will clarify is why our site is www.blacklightblog.co.nr instead of simply blacklight.co.nr. Try typing out that link and see where it takes you. For the convenience of others, and to make this first post longer and more significant, the reason is because an Otaku (Anime fan) has taken the site. Apparantly, blacklight is a manga(jap comic, not fruit). It is classified under 'Yaoi', also known as 'gay anime pornography'. A certain member of BlackLight could, and probably would, give a very detailed explaination.

The reason why we had to settle for .co.nr is because it costs money to get a nice domain name. And being the chaepskates that we are, we decided to split the RM50 7 ways if, and only if, we are getting enough traffic and interest from you. That's right. BlackLight(blog) is where YOU matter. Without you, we can't spell success...Then again, we also can't spell underwear, underaged-sex, unicorn, UFOs, SuXX0R$, and my name. This is where you get your chance to share your, hopefully brilliant, opinions with other angry teenagers/ schizophrenics/ coulrophiliacs.

Siew Wai Hung, also known as Sharp(ask him to tell you the story on a fine, dark, stormy day), is in charge of the technicalities of BlackLight(blog). Probably because he's the only one who knows the difference between URL, HTML, Java, CoffeeBean and Starbucks.

Aiman Ceaser( i think its an 's'), Aqram Pref, Hafiz EffOne, Berlyn Estrada, and Lianne Le Tit ia, are the other admins/mods/GODs/GMs of BlackLight(blog). We are currently thinking of a better word for an entity who has complete ultimate control over a realm.

Berlyn and Lianne will be joining us after SPM 2006. However, this information is irrelevant as most of you will be reading this in the far-off year of 2007.

Each week or so, a Master Admin will be selected by Lat-la-li-tam-pong. The MA will decide what topic the other AT (Angry teenagers) will blog about. Hung will set-up a forum area for all you oh-so-important-add-money-making humans where you can comment about posts, start your own discussions, rant about teachers, or vote for your favourite Admin, whose name starts with the letter 'G'.

Ah Beng inspired words such as :
LOLOLXXX (extreme laughing)
kekekeke (choking while laughing)
Haiz...so sienz (transfering boredom to others)
ZZzzz (power napping, usually in front of the computer after one has been rebuttaled or humiliated)
ZZzzzZZZzzZZZzZZZ (EXTREME power napping, also usually in front of the computer after one has been rebuttaled or humiliated)
swt (sweating)
-_-" (power sweating)
SWT -_-""""" (EXTREME DEHYDRATION power sweating, usually when one does not understand a joke or topic)

...are the mortal enemies of Aiman, who happens to blog very often in his toilet via kind, yet oblivious, nieghbours' wireless internet connections, and I who will call upon the dark powers of Santa and Beelzebub to see to it that Beng-ers are rewarded accordingly.

Keep sexxings and profanities to a minimum. For only We may swear in the name of random people such as J.K.Rupiah.

Tell your friends and family, even if you only see them during Raya or Chinese New Year to collect money.


Remember the name - BlackLightBlog.co.nr
Its a blog, Call On New Ranters, CONR.
http://www.blacklightblog.co.nr


BlackLight - Shedding some light on the bright side of life.

The magic of MMORPG.

"What the...? Meh-meh-moh-re-peh-ger...?"
"No lah! It's massive-multiplayer-online-role-playing-game."

From experience, I can safely say that the only things that are massive in these games, is the amount of cash and time you spend on it, and the boobs of your female character. Yes, its fun to play a game where semi-socially retarded friends and you run around a medieval world gang-banging innocent mermen or gnolls in order to get their 'phet lewt'. Even I have no idea why a furry little animal carries around 156 gold pieces, a ring of fire and a 3+ enhanced sword.

5 minutes into a game...
"Whoa! So you gotta lv up your lv1 spells first before you can proceed to lv2...? Wow! What's this? A 'jellopy'! Dude, how much can I get for this? OMG! That pink blod dropped a sword! Whooo-hoooo! I'm set for life! WAHHH!! That guy is lv 86!"

30 minutes later...
"Ok, we should whack these beetle things. We get good exp, plus their attack sucks...hang on, let's go sell off all these junk..."

3 hours later...
"Dude...I've been clicking on pink chunks of jelly and ladybirds for 3 hours now..."

6 hours later...
"Argh. Alright, see you tomorow."

1 month later...
"Niama! !#*@# game!"

Sound familiar to all you Ex-Ragnarok Online players?


The storage system is brilliant. RYL (RiskYourLife...the name is lives up to its claim. You risk rotting time away, your SPM, and, very literally, your life.) utilizes the 'Grid system'. This is also known as the 'Tetris system', where half the time you have to rearrange cumloads of item in that amazing 4-dimensional backpack that your scantily clad character carries around. Apparantly, you can stack 99 pieces of meat together in one grid, but if you have only one slot left, you can't stack 1 measly piece of meat and 1 pathetic piece of cooked meat together...

"Oh no! We mustn't."
"Why? My dear raw meat?"
"Because...well...we are of different colours...and hell, I don't even know what animal we came from. There aren't any chickens or cows in this MMORPG"
"Come here...! Come!"
"..."
"..."
-Fatal error-

Four-legged funguses can take on knights in full body armour... Wounds do not show up on slimy skinned amphibious mermen even after 10 combos of slashing with a "Cruel scythe D+++" (Weapons have personalities too, you know?), Lightning bolts striking down upon their scaly bottoms, and "Dark sword" attacks going right through their webbed-gills... Swords strike enemies, clad in nothing but a loincloth, and give off explosive seizure enducing explosions...

Hallelujah, welcome to the realisticly unbelievable world of Meh-MeOh-Reh-Per-Ger. Where size does not matter.

The Aiman Arif experience.

Date: 23rd October 2006
Time: 0900
Location: The upstairs toilet of Aiman's house
Condition: Semi-constipated

(Doesn't that cause memories of "Its a shit-shat life for us!" to surge through your mind like a can of Limited Edition 100-calorie coca-cola in the hands of 16 year-old late nighters?)

Here I am quietly minding my business in front of a laptop positioned on a chair. A few seemingly happily innocently blissfully disturbing issues have been brought to light like a kid realizing what the "cute anime pop-ups" on newgrounds.com really are, coincidently after Aqram, Aiman, Berlyn, Hafiz, Wai Hung and I decided to name our BlackLight. (Yea, yea. I know. Pun.)

Gus decided to embrace the challenges of Islam because Aiman allowed him to overnight. That's right. Puasa. Little did he know how fun it would be. He started, right after drinking a gulp of water, at 1300. He then jay-walked with 5 other Victorians to the Star LRT, looking like 5 drunken flamingos and a panda. On the subway, the 6 VI Boys met the not-so-almighty MGS Prefect Board treasurer, Nabilah. 20 minutes of puasa-ing must have taken its toll on Gus, because somehow, he remembered Nabilah to be a whee bit taller.

Arriving at Aiman's place, Gus spotted a platter of very tasty muffins...

"Whoa! Cool! Chocolate chip...!

"...D'oh! Argh...puasa..."

His black G-shock watch displayed 16:04 on its liquid crystal display. Gus started to wonder what happened to lunch. It was just about then that Aiman decided to show him the magic of Monty-Python : The Holy Grail.

Bout 2 hours of drifting in and out of sleep, while sprawled on a bed next to a feverish Ibrahim, later... Gus woke up to the, amazing, strumming and the, not-so-amazing, singing of the slightly mushroom-head (tunku tao) hairstyled 1337 Sabah-Anglican-church-educated-guitarist, Mark Sia. Gus could only tell from the silhoutte in the dark and the chinese-accented : "Oi...? Gus? You sleeping ah?"

Gus and Mark spent the next 24 minutes watching Teen Titans, some spin-off of Justice League, when they heard the pleasant yelling of Aiman for them to buka puasa.

FOOD

Gus and Mark rushed down and missed the ending of some time-controlling super villian who gets trapped in a time paradox, the kind of thing that almost makes sense and bugs the johnny out of you. The thirst-quenching blast that came from gulping down Zappy Zapple™ after 6 hours withour drinking felt as wild as a classroom of Victorians cheering when girl-school visitors come touring. A huge bowl of curry filled with tao-fu-pok and fishballs brought smiles to the faces of Aiman, Johori, Mark Sia, Ibrahim, Zaid, Khaidir, Khaidir (no mistake tq very much) and Aiman's round lil' brother. Tomato rice, kari ayam and rendang made the Victorians go into a feasting frenzy... much like how a flock of CROWS fight over a piece of meat. The feeding fest was sealed off by steaming hot apple pie and Walls™ strawberry ice-cream. Adam and Amirul joined in just about then...after spending 45 minutes on the way to Aiman's house. Must have been some buka puasa for them.

The night was filled with guys squeezing into rooms going on friendster and playing the guitar. Gus wanted to join in but was suffocating from the stench of rugby players sweating while looking at hot chicks' profiles. 3 words. Sour, sweaty underwear. Khaidir, the big one, had a guitar string poke into his finger. Most of the mob left after 2230. Those remaining were Mark, Jo, both Khaidirs and Gus. Nazrin was supposed to go back slightly later...slightly later meaning 0530 the next day after his morning meal.

Aiman was *ahem* very eager to meet his partner-to-be of BlackLight, Lianne Letitia Ritchie. If there are 4 things Aiman loves about a girl, its:


1. Her ability to speak english

2. Her intelligence

3. Her sense of twisted humour

4. Her ability to compose songs

If there are 5 things Aiman loves about a girl, then its:

1. Her ability to speak english

2. Her intelligence

3. Her sense of twisted humour

4. Her ability to compose songs

5. Her big boobs

On Gus' advice, Aiman set up his webcam and microphone. Lianne reacted quite well to a face full of blackheads and a stoned expression with spiky hair. Mark was playing a Santa Cruz classical guitar, so the trio sang some drunken songs to Lianne...including "Perfect" "One Way" and "Mimpi yang Sempurna"...only they somehow put in Lianne's name and replaced Jesus with Lianne in One Way.

Lianne, supposedly, enjoyed it and, supposedly, sent them lyrics of a song which she, supposedly, wrote by herself, supposedly, for her last day in school which was, supposedly, going to "make girls tear"...supposedly.

After half an hour of banging cock and talking balls on the over msn and LOL-ing very loudly, Lianne sent them her 100% Hardcore, Uncencored, Steamy, Raw, Harry PotterXXXDraco Malfoy yaoi! Gus did the voice of Harry, Snape and a few other random J.K Rowling spawned fictional characters. Aiman did Malfoy.

This is my forth attempt to post this damn blog. Aiman's laptop is gay. It obliterates paragraphs of blogs just as you click the 'save' button.

"Copy the text first mah! Diu...so sohai wan."

Haha. Fortunately, the Control key is placed in a very, very annoyingly awkward to reach spot. Seeing your half hour of blogging getting replaced by the letter 'c' is not funny. Unless it happens to someone else.

This has been the Aiman Arif experience. In the toilet and in bed.

Hallelujah.

The Sounds of Choi-er.

Half the year has passed by just like that...next year is SPM year. And I've only 1 and a half years of Victorian life left. Sigh...

Time has passed by so fast and meaningless... but then again, I look back at the good times and I have no regrets.

SEA Forensics and Drama Comp occupied most of my post-July time. Shanti and Moi, I'll never forget what you guys thought me. But enough bout drama comp, there's way too much of it on this blog anyway.

The latest competition, choir, did not really get my adrenaline pumping like the comps before it. It could be the lack of training, dedication, or simply because its a kementerian competition and I've gotten 5 2nd placings that I don't feel the "Oomph" anymore. That's right, wilson!

Even before the competition, I KNEW that we were gonna get 2nd place. Somehow, someway, I knew. Maybe its a jinx...maybe its just a hunch...or maybe because its a kementerian comp...(haunted by biased 'ZheeeLarKah Barbeee PooKeeMak LarnCiao judges) Whatever it was, I was not expecting to win at all.

Ok, it wasn't a jinx, coz our performance went as planned....*cough*...stanley...*cough*....
"...Jalinan sinar cahaya kegemilangan....Ooo...Oooo....oooooo....."
I had the honour of wearing our team number..."04" Sei... on my left nipple. And thanks to the delay, we didn't get to listen to any other schools perform. Everything went by so quickly...so undramatically...

...and before I knew it...

...I was squatting down at the VIP section of Taman Budaya, packed with primary school student and CBN chicks, and between Shazlan and Chiam, drifting away into blissful slumber, due to playing DotA with my bro the night before till midnight.
I recognised the distinct "Cyber Cafe" smell coming from the techie room behind me. Ahhh...smoke has never smelt this good. Shazlan wasn't looking as excited as I expected him to be. (I know you're waiting for the results...hush! I'm getting there...)

After nearly half an hour of VIP blahblah, and 10 minutes of primary schools going on stage, it was the moment. The moment where 2 to 7 months of training came down to. The moment where many will cry in despaor and the fortunate few will rejoice like there's no tomorow. The moment where....WHAT?! They are announcing the champions FIRST?! Tch, typical of low level competitions...

There was an intensity in the hall which woke me up. Haha...we are SO not gonna get first. It must be "....Kepong baru!!! or Convent Bukit Nanas!!!!" Oh well, at least it'll be over quick and painless

"...dan Johan Pertandingan choir dua-ribu-enam ialah..."

"...VI!!..." WHOA!! WTF?!

......This was when I stood up and looked frantically around!......Argh, it was justa group of girls who said "VI"...the hall roared with relieved, nervous laughter...Hey, maybe this IS a good sign, maybe God just MIGHT cut us some slack, MAYBE, just maybe, against all odds and discrimination, MAYBE we could in fact...

"...ialah...SMK...Convent Bukit Nanas!"

...D'oh! XP

Many were shocked, few were surprised, and the hands of a few judges were very, very, busy "fapping", there was a moment of confusion...followed by the screams of joy coming from the CBN crowd.

I sat there feeling the same void I've felt ever since the INTI drama comp, ever since I stepped on stage to sing with my choir team, ever since I drifted off to sleep while the VIP blabbered on and on... I cast a blank stare onto Shazlan, who seemed equally emotionless. I wish the same could be said for Li-Shia.

"...guys, I think Li-Shia needs our....moral support...", said Chiam.

I rushed back into the hall only to find Li-Shia clinging on a corner, with here face buried. It took Chiam, Shazlan, Adi, AND Ben to coax her outside. It was only after 2 seconds after she exitted, that the results sank in. She really, REALLY, wanted to win, or at least get best conductor. The Ex's tried to calm her down...

I looked around and saw the same anger, despair, and dissapointment as after the km'terian drama state finals...except, this time, I wasn't feeling any of it. Like I said, I predicted it. So it had no impact on me whatsoever.

Li-Shia finally spoke "...Why?...you let CBN win at least give someone else the best conductor ma...stupid...stupid..."
Lost for words, I blurted out..." Li-Shia, remember how you always told me to smile on stage? I need you to smile now, for us."
...a few moments of silence later...
"...someone bring me to the toilet...pls...I lost my contact lens...I can't see...!!"

Its amazing how fast hope can be crushed and vaporised. Its stunning how emotions can well up in seconds. It just never ceases to amaze me.

The memories of Weng Kit and Shantini scolding me for drinking Iced-lemon tea...The rides home with Shazlan and Chiam...and especially the "Mamak Stall" incident with Daniel, Adi, and Shazlan...and Li-Shia...yup...just Li-Shia herself... :P

It's so true when Li-Shia told us she finally "felt" the song only after losing. We sang "Satu suara, satu hati, satu fikiran" quietly outside the hall. A few more girls cried. And I actually felt it too.

Just then, Edward called out my name. Ahh... What now...? He's flirting with the team that beat us?!
Before I could ask questions, I was pulled aside with a CBN girl by Edward. "She wants to know your name"

Hello, Reen!

......

...Um...

......

Wow. Did I mention how much I love Kementerian competitions? :P


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you, Ryan, who first pulled me into choir, Daniel, for teaching me the difference between wax and clay, Shazlan, Chiam and Adi, for all the chit-chat rides home...and for the "Mamak stall experience" :P and finally Li-Shia, for showing me that there is so much more to a song than just basses, tenors, majors and minors.

~Being the Champion of kementerian competitions only prove that you are the favourites of the "Retard judges of the Day". The destination is nothing compared to the journey and the comrades that you ride with! Rock on!~
-Gustave Oon

~One Heart. One Soul. One Voice.~
-The Victorian Choir 2006

Compensation

Yes. The Victorian Drama Team is here again with more dramatic crap!

Since the wheeeee start of last year, we've never gotten first, whether by imcompetence of retard judge, or bias-ness of retard judge, finally, our picture appeared in The Star Education(Sunday 9th July page 15), despite the fact that we LOST! :P
So there! You wank supporting judge.....you know who you are......

This has encouraged us to actually think about going on with the Victorian Drama Team. And now for the first time, regardless of what anyone else, ESPECIALLY Mr.Wank, thinks. After all, its all about having fun and taking group showers, no?

Argh, I've no time to drag on and on today.


So...shall we call the Victorian Drama Team......VIADRA? Vote, all you drama boys!
"VIADRA- When you are down and out, we get you up...on stage."

The final curtain for the 2006 Victorian Drama Team...

...preparing a speech for 2 months, practising your movements for 1 month, staying back until 5pm on weekdays...


Some people call it insanity...

...We call it drama.


"...It is easy to make an audience laugh, that's entertainment, but there are different levels of entertainment, and to bring an audience to such a level, is just truly magnificent! And that is why, the champions of the 2006 INTI Drama Competition is......"

The memories of shouting, screaming, yelling, crying, swearing sessions of drama practice flooded into my mind. Moi getting poked at by the rest of us for having an unhealthy obsession to a particular 2-dimensional girl...Jack floating into school looking like he scored last night...Sean, Richard and Avinash trodding into the Bestari room while arguing about which add-maths method is more efficient...and most of all...the walks down petaling street with Ms.Shanti after drama training...

...Yes, I'm sure gonna miss those times.


After being ranked second by a certain fuckwad biased chief judge who has his head stuck way up his ass, the VI drama team got invited to Actor Studio Bangsar on the 29th of June along with CBN to settle the score with the Visiting Wanks.(wangsa melawati)

However, I (yes, i know i don't refer to myself in the first person often) somehow didn't feel the "Oomph" I did last year. Or even the same Oomph at SEA Forensics. The script, which Moi and I spent 2 weeks adapting, was suited for everyone to participate. It was laden with sappy moral values to stick up a chief judge's face. It certainly wasn't something what we call "a winning script", but was it better than that of the visiting wanks? We will find out.

This feeling, could be felt by most of the other team members...

However, being the enthusiastic director that he is, Moi kept his spirit and determination, but somewhere deep down inside, he knew that we did in fact stoop DOWN to kementerian level and threw in some soppy moral values. Those who acted last year knew...Wilson, Moi, John, Ismail, Jack, Alex...

The team was short of a cock...a BIG one. Shoby battousai is not here! :) As I recall..."...Look at that la. Oh fuck!"
And the "fuck" was luoder than the "la".


Moi was probably the one who kept our hopes alive.......only for it to be butchered to kingdom johnny cum!
But, be glad that we saw the Wanks perform. In all that is dramatic and exxegerated... WE LOST TO --->THAT?!<---
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!! ONE BIG JOKE! That's all I have to say bout the Wanks.

At least now we know that we DID in fact do all that we could to win, except please the retard kementerian chief judge. XP
And hey! We'll never forget all the "poke Memo's boobs" moments, right? AND we had a killer "Mr.Kee" scene, no?
And SOMEONE forgot his lines....."Its....its...its...its the flies!" :P I WILL remember that, you know who you are!

So,

Worst case scenario: We lowered our standard for kementerian. No INTI invitation for us next year.
Best case scenario: Minimalist, Best of the Best only for next years team.

POWER TO THE 1990 PEOPLE!



"...and that's why, the champions of the 2006 INTI Drama Competition is Canvas from DJ!"


We did our best. We potong steam-ed some wanks. We had fun.

-------------------------------------No regrets--------------------------------------
(except maybe we should have played with Memo's boobies more)

Its a shit-shat life for us...

I am writing this under the intense need to move my bowels...or pass motion...or shit.

Why?


Inspiration.


Now, we have all taken on a whole bowl of tom-yam or an extra-spicy helping of curry laksa. We have the wave of joy when the burning concoction goes down our throats. Then comes the wave of relief after the effects have worn off. Then comes the wave of accomplishment in knowing that you are one mouthful closer to finishing you meal. Then the process is repeated until you successfully conquer and OwN your spicy food or puke trying...

...the one who puke are the lucky ones...

...because it may take 3 hours...or 6... or half a day... or even a day or two...but eventually...it will come out from your other end hotter and badder than ever before!

This is commonly known as "Flaming-Shit Syndrome". This shit is badly digested. Chilli seeds, chilli skin, red sambal oil, and even trace amounts of human faeces can be found in it. Due to its soft texture, Flaming-shits usually take the shape of a "banana" as it slides, if you are lucky, spurts, if you are not so lucky, or gushes,if you have the luck of a six-legged cat which just shattered a mirror, right out of your butt. After this shit hits the water, it has a rather "fuzzy" or "furry" appearance, that is, if it is mostly solid. A very interesting assortment of particles can also be seen floating around. Right about now you will probably be having the time of your life if you enjoy burning pain.

Symptoms of Flaming-Shit Syndrome include feeling liquid churning inside of you, a burning sensation in your large intestine, excessive perspiration due to the intense need to do some business, and a dangerously wet and moist fart. If symptoms persist, do not contact the nearest physician, there is simply no time, do not seek immediate help, people will just point and laugh, instead, scramble for the nearest toilet regardless of your gender.

...OOP! ARGHhhh....nevermind...flase alarm...whew, there goes a "dangerously wet and moist fart"...


If you are out celebrating with your friends after winning some drama competition, stuffing yourself with "bottomless nacho chips", indulging in exotic sushi, or even making a nuclear bomb by eating durian, curry, papaya, and glutinous rice, be prepared to pay the price. A price beyond RM and Dollars...

...suddenly, and warm and even more dangerously wet fart emerges! This time smelling like eggs! Half-boiled eggs!
Good ol' Diarrhoea is back smellng more like warm eggs than before. Expect to find a brown patch on your undies, and that is from the vapor alone. If a fart gets too wet...well...there's really nothing much you can do except enjoy it trickling down your legs as you sprint for the washroom. Diarrhoea simply looks like one nasty work of art. This is for illustration purposes only, the colours may vary from each person as well as the ingredients.

Symptoms include weak, wobbly legs, loud gurgling of liquid in stomach, distinct smell of eggs, extreme tension, and wet, brown footprints leading to the toilet. So the next time you see someone like that, point and laugh and stay the hell out of their way to the toilet.


Scrunching up your face in your tenth atempt to get that stubborn piece of "cake" out? Are you clenching you fist and fighting with every ounce of your strenght only to fail again? You, my friend, have Constipation!

Although being on the opposite ends of the shit spectrum, one being as hard as sea-biscuit and the other hardly solid, they are both equally exciting! Choose from either a slow painful tiring challenge, or go for the adrenalin pumping blast of brown lava!

Constipation and Diarrhoea may be arch enemies, but by being the enemy of your enemy, does that make you (sh)its friend? You wish!


I hope this has been useful and will make you think deeper, harder, mushier, and brownier about shit.
Shitting will never be the same again!

-GuZtave

Of Sentosas and Ms.Ngs

It has been 1 and a half year since I left the wonderful, magical, colourful government owned land of SMK Sri Sentosa, but the memories are still as fresh as a load of business after eating curry laksa and durian...

...especially the NO BELTS ALLOWED IN SCHOOL rule, the NO TISSUE PAPER ALLOWED because "students will throw is EVERYWHERE after they use it", and the NO EXPENSIVE PENS (RM1).

First of all, WTF?! ...As in what the fuck, where the fuck, and WHY the fuck?!


When you buy 3 new pairs of school pants and are all set for a school year in Sri Sentosa, what do you hear on "orientation" day?

"Students are not allowed to wear fancy shoes with high heels. Yes, like this boy's. And no sport shoe BRAND like SPARX. Shoes cannot have any plastic or rubber on the top part. And you must all cut off your belt straps now, because students will use their belts to fight. These are the school rules, if you don't like them then you can always transfer to another school."

OK! So this school is strict, and I don't wanna cause trouble before the first day. So I'll cut off the belt straps and take off my belt. What could be so bad?! Oh crap...now I have to tuck in my shirt extra so that my pants won't dropp down. AND I have to buy a new pair of shoes because Ms.Ng says that "High-heel SPARX"(shoes with a less than one inch rubber sole for protection) shoes will cause me to sprain my ankle.
-The first fuck.
Fuck you Ms.Ng, I have NEVER ....ok maybe twice but that wasn't really spraining....sprained my ankle when I wore these type of shoes in PRIMARY school. HOWEVER, I walk on roads littered with sharp rocks, broken glass and I have stepped on thumbtacks before. And what's wrong with a little plastic or rubber on the top part of the shoe?! Will it seep into our skin and cause cancer forcing us to cut off our feet to live?!
WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Anyway, I bought a pair of 'pallas' shoes which lack grip and support and actually caused me to trip trice in 2 years. And I walk around school a bit funny because my pants always feel like they are about to reveal the colour of my underwear to the world. Thank you for the idea of using belts as lethel weapons, although in sentosa I guess I'll have to use my necktie. Thank you oh so fucking much, Ms.Ng.


"Boy your hair is too long" Fine! I'll cut it.

"Students are not allowed to put anything on their hair. No Brylcream™ allowed!"
Hence we came to school the next day using Gatsby™. :P In your face!

"Students are not allowed to put ANYTHING on their hair, no gel, no cream, no spray."
Hence my hair looked messy and i walked around Sentosa in my shorts looking like a hobo on crack.
To show how "serious" they are at combatting creativity and fucking freedom, they made the dogs in blue...sry...the prefects of sentosa check EVERY SINGLE STUDENTS' HAIR during the daily assembly, which is 1PM, under the beautiful, wonderfully scorching sun. The bright side is...well, the sun, and that we got to go to class almost missing one whole period.

"These are the school rules, if you don't like them you can always transfer to another school. There are A LOT of students waiting to be accepted into this priveledged school."
FINE! I'll kill my hairdo to stay in this wonderful school where we get to assemble daily in the blazing sun and where belts and tissue paper are treated like drugs...except that teachers get to use them.(again, these are the rules, STFU or change schools)

Thanks to the school rules, we all get a free suntan! And we are saving trees because we use water to spray our anus' instead of tissue paper. Thank you oh so fricking much, Ms.Ng.


Fine, I'll shave my damn head so that there is no hair on my head to look messy.
"Aiyo! Don't you know that students cannot have fashionable hairstyles?!"
OMFGWTFBBQROFL?!
In case you wore your glasses on your saggy nearly non-existant boobs, I HAVE NO FRICKING HAIR!

"This is the skinhead style, right?"
No, this is the " 'botak No.3' so I have to go to the barber less and save some money so that I can afford fragile low quality pallas™ shoes style"

"This is totally unacceptable."
And what the hairy fuck are you going to do about it?! Force me to grow hair?! Suspend me from school till my hair grows back?!

Oh right, fashion makes you stupid and having long/fashionable/NO hair affects the human brain, preventing us from learning, making us stupid, and giving us a higher chance of developing Alzheimers. Why didn't I see that before?
Oops, I was too busy memorising this stupid sentosa rulebook and...wait a sec...OMG! Ms.Ng, your hair is permed! Do not worry, I will send deformed, abused, mutant chimpanzees to fuck and rape your hair. I heard monkey semen reverses the effects of perming. In fact...hey! It's in the sentosa rulebook!


D'oh, I forgot to bring my homework.
...Oh no...what have I DONE?!

"Students who do not hand in their homework on time will get 3-6 demerit point, students who skip school will get 15 demerit points per day. When your demerit points reach 15, you will get 1 stroke, when it reaches 20, you will get 2 strokes and a councelling session. When it reaches 40 you will be expeled. At the end of the year, student who collect the most MERIT points will get a certificate!! *pauses for appluase*.........................................................................................*continues when crickets can be heard chirping* You can get merit points for helping teachers and holding a post such a a sentosa prefect."

Ahhhh....where to start? Hmm...what?! New cyber cafe opened?! Where? Ok. FREE PLAY FOR 2 WHOLE WEEKS?! YES!...... And off goes my dear friend Ashath to go spend his 1 and a half weeks at Warnet!
Let's see....wed,thu,fri,mon,tue,wed,thu,fri......8 times 15 = 120 demerit points.......OMGWTF?! He could be kicked out of sentosa 3 times! Combined with the 163 demerit points he already has......Huh? Hey! Ashath! Yeah, its been 2 months since Warnet opened and their business is still good....

Just like that, Ms.Ng introduced a way to lamely attempt to scare students and The Ultimate Sucker Upper for students. Just like that, a group of perfectly fine students joined the legion of Sentosa Blue Dogs...erm....sentosa prefects! Just like that and she finally gets low self-esteem students to slurp, lick, kiss, suck AND blow her wrinkly, saggy, "past expiry date" virgin vagina!

"These are the school rules, if you don't like them you can always transfer schools."

Suck you Ms.Ng. Suck you indeed.

And just as you think things will be better when you survive and escape the bitch of Ms.Hg when you move on to the morning session (form3), I found out that the JUNIOR debate team I've been trying to put together since February has no SENIOR team to be JUNIOR to! Ms.Ng? I think you have some explaining to do...

Btw, she thinks that the once a year INTER CLASS DEBATE is good enough. Same as the ONCE A YEAR DURING TEACHERS' DAY DRAMA. Sentosa drama team my Victorian ass, I get more drama while playing DotA with Moi Kok Lum.

Apparantly, Ms.Ng focuses on sports ONLY. She does not allow students to participate in any inter-school debate or drama competition. Sentosa rulebook always states that we have to get consent of the school in order to participate in ANY competition.

Why?! Well, so that the school can be there to suck up all the glory that they don't deserve. And who the ass-wiping fuck are you to stop us from competing in competitions which you will suck up the glory anyway?!


"Don't ask what the school can do for you, ask what you can do for the school."

Why? Why mustn't we ask?! Because the answer will probably be..."Umm...well sentosa is a school...and I am Ms.Ng....um.....you can get merit points...and you can learn about...ermm....and then there's merit points....erm....."
WHAT THE BBQ FUCK DOES SENTOSA UNDER CONTROL OF MS.NG HAVE TO OFFER TO US?!
Do you need the school more, or does the school need you more. SOMEHOW I feel its the latter.

"...remember, its the school rules, if you don't like them..."

*cheap pair of pallas™ shoes fly at Ms.Ng, hitting her in the ass....erm...I mean the face*

FINE! OH SO FUCKING FINE! YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT!

Transfer school?! No problem.

And a one hour journey on foot during the holidays to accuire the transfer papers threw Ms.Ng's words right down her squaky mouth.


~...3 weeks since the start of 2005 pasts...~
...what the...a letter from Sri Sentosa begging for me to go back? :P
.
.
.
"......your son has not been attending school for more than 14 consecutive days. If you do not meet the school authorities to clarify the matter, your son will be expeled."
.
.
.
OMFGWTFBBQROFL?!

~Newsflash~ You can't expel me, Ms.Ng! I'm not in sentosa anymore!

Do not get the wrong idea that I dislike Ms.Ng. I do not dislike her. I just happen to fucking hate that wrinkly, saggy, anti-creativity, 45-year old virgin who has lived WAY past HER expiry date to the deep, dark, mold-infested toilet bowls of SMK Sri Sentosa.


MS.NG
FUCK YOU ,.l.. (-_-) ..l., FUCK YOU

The ISKL SEA Forensics 2006 : Contestant 366 of Victoria Institution -DAY2-

3 duet teams left, 2 have sworn to meet each other in the Finals, 1 goal, 0 is not an option. The ISKL SEA Forensics Tournament 2006, are you there?

-DAY2-

...YES! YES! YES! Cut down to 6.45 from 7.53! Haha! Isidore still has a chance! Thanks to Ms.Shanti!...


Today is the day where they seperate the men from boys, the exceptional from the average, the true actors from the Johnnie boys...... :)

How we do in the next round will determine whether we make the cut for the Semi-Finals!

...Last time on Victorians...
The debators can NOT afford to lose another round. The pretty boy Alex and Ryan can NOT afford to get anything below 1/1. The actors can NOT afford to get diarrhoe from an overdose of honey. What will happen to the Victorians...?


...Alright! I am ready, Isidore.

Ahh! The day started off as Gus entered ISKL with Foo Fang Hai. Moi was all ready and pumped up, while Gus was "Mmph...gimme 10 minutes...zZZz....".

Jack and Tristen have cut out some flaws in their act, but Pat and Wayne have decided to go along with the "blowjob" scene...yeah Lianne I know you would love it ;P

Debators are good to go, while John, Wilson, Fang Hai and Ken Ming also have Extempt. John was seen getting tips from Benjamin Ong *gasps*...John getting help from someone...? Oh, I just KNOW something special will happen today! :P

Benjamin Ong sits on an ISKL bench, clad in black shirt and pants, next to Gus, who was just rudely awoken, as they both start singing..."I'm the...only gay eskimo-o...I'm the only one I kno-w...I'm the only gay eskimo-o-o...in my tribe!"

***Yesterday at home***
"Mum! I want to wear this striped black shirt again tomorow. I'll just spray some deoderant and iron it or something."
"NO! Don't be silly! That shirt STINKS!"
"but it's my lucky shirt!! and tomorow is the semi-finals...if I even make it!"
"Put that shirt in the wash, go upstairs, find another shirt."
"B-but..."
"IF you really think that it's your lucky shirt, I'm sure you'll be able to wear it to the FINALS!"......


The other shirt was still black, Gus' eyes were still blur and Moi's face still had little white-headed volcanos on them waiting to erupt. Ahhh...one last trip to the toilet, one last hug from Shanti, one last sip of honey...IT IS TIME.

Today, many will not make the cut for semi-finals. Those who do make it, will have 2 events waiting for them today, and those who don't make it...tough shit, try again next year.

As Isidore and Tiger looked each other in the eye, nodded, and went their seperate ways. That's right! Solo acting is up first!

...wait! I thought Miss Shanti would be here with me! There aren't any Victorians in here either...ARGH! only 2 actors left before my turn...and...*sniff* *sniff*... what's that smell...seems to be coming from...hey, this guy look familiar, and this woman t...OH NO! Johnnie boys! And he brought supporters!

...What the...uh-oh, this girl from CBN is doing a grandma's funeral play...crap, my grandpa jsut passed away 2 weeks ago. Keep it in...argh! GUS! COUNT THE LIGHT PANELS! 1...2...3...4...5...6...damn, she's good, now GUS, STOP LOOKING AT HER ACT! REMEMBER, YOUR TURN IS UP AFTER THE NEXT GUY! YOU DO NOT WANT TO LOSE THE NARCISSISM!

...Phew! Ok, at least the guy before me is the Johnnie boy, this might boost my confidence a wheee bit and...huh?!

Shanti walked into the room followed by John Mar, Jack, Tristen and a bunch of form 3 Victorians. The colour of the Johnnie boys face now matched the same shade of green on his necktie! Awww YEAH! But, Lianne's not here...argh!

Here we go..."Hmm, hmmm, hmmm, and a one and a two and a one, two, three..."

The timing...

...YES! 6.46! Perfect!

...struggling to remember...

The ISKL SEA Forensics 2006 : Contestant 366 of Victoria Institution -DAY1-

3 days, 2 prelimanary rounds, 1 chance for eternal glory, 0 room for errors. The ISKL SEA Forensics Tournament. Are you ready?

-DAY1-

...Argh! just one number away from 666. That was the first thought that came to my mind when I recieved my contestant number. Last year on this very day, boy with ear surgery, Gustave Oon King Chuan and drama king wannabe, Surrej Darshain Singh, met up at the canteen of the International School of Kuala Lumpur with nothing more than an attitude, 3 days of preperation, and thier bagpacks. The incredibly "long" preperation time was due to my ear surgery. XP. They knew they were screwed. And the fact that they did not even get a single comment sheet confirmed it...

But now, Gustave has returned with his ever so pimplish and gayish duet partner, Moi Kok Lum, or "Pat". The duo have spent 2 months looking for a script, editing it, changing a female character to something between its counterpart, AND practising. They knew what, when, how, and where they should act. "Pat" and "Wayne" were ready.
Gayness and restrained aggression is a deadly combo...for duet acting, that is.

Gustave had developed a new "friend" with the help of GodMother of VILADS Shanti Purushothman....*pauses for applause*... His friend's name was Isidore. Last minute changes dicided by Ms. Shanti made things easier for Gus by only allowing him to play ONE OF THE MANY PERSONALITIES. (contradictory to what some of the judges think) Isidore was narcissistic, loud, full of himself, somehow perverted, and above all, ready to come to life.

Metal mouthed Richard Yap and the ever cheerful Lee Han Sean were prepared with thier duet as well, or so they thought. With Sean cross acting :) but not cross dressing :(

Jack Chan, short of one 'y', came walking in...or rather floating into ISKL with Tristen. Jack has the looks and the moves, Tristen has the vioce. Perfect combo? We shall see.

Johnathan Siao the Sadist and Wilson the Cheras Kid were out for blood in thier debate. They were up against Sri KDU first. The sadistic one also toke up Extemporary speaking and Impromptu, just as our symbol of VILADS Benjamin Ong and Ken Ming did.

There was no shortage of New Blood, mostly form 3s, and our good ol' pretty boy Alexander C. was going all out for Oratory Intepretation, which is an over-rated way of saying Story Telling :).

The presence of Johnnie boys was instantly detected by all Victorians (ONLY Victorians have the super-natural ability to do so by smell). "What is that smell?!" Gus said loudly enough as the Johnnie boys passed by. This was his chance to get back at the Johnnies for undeservingly and unworthyly representing Kuala Lumpur in last year's Kementerian Drama Competition. But don't blame the Johnnies, blame the partially retarded and completely clueless judges who gave them first place and awarding the "best actor" award to one of them. Obviously, the term "best-actor" means the one who shouts the loudest, vibrates the most vigorously, and kicks and bangs the most chairs and tables on stage. Gustave saw his nemesis, somehow, someway, he knew that they were going to face off in solo acting.

I was still wondering where my Sri KDU friendies were. Just as I called up Lianne Letitia Ritchie, she asked me to turn around. Man! What a corny entry. Lianne and her duet partner, and anime freak (otaku), Chia Zhen Chien, came relaxed and prepared with something from the Power Puff Girls. Chia is a guy btw :). A hyperactive Berlyn "Estrada" Liew greeted me with "WHERE IS JOHN SIAO?!". Ouch.

All the drama boys saluted Ex-drama director Vivekananda Sukumaran and Ex-prefect Christopher George as they came back to bring glory to VI. They were in duet, and they swore to meet up with Pat and Wayne at the finals...one way, or the other.

...hmm, forth to perform, not bad, Moi. I said as I read the duet event sheet.

4 trips to the toilet within 30 minutes before thier first duet confirmed Moi's "first-timer" nervousness and Gustave's "Disaster of 2005"'s traumatising flashback. Just the mention of "the last yankee" would make Gus break out in hives.

It was time...

Pat and Wayne...*Shanti demands that we BECOME the character 15 minutes before performance...don't ask why, it works*...were left speechless after withnessing ISKL and Assunta perform. Something between thier legs shrunk. And if that wasn't bad enough, Moi actually didn't pick up the signal that the judges weren't ready even after they said so...and said "Sorry!" with the words "Sorry! by Timothy Mason" written on a blackboard behind him...hopefully, the judges will think its part of the act XP.

Pat and Wayne did thier seriously funny, or rather, funnily serious act......good timing, good acting. You just had to be there.

Gustave and Moi were crossing more than just thier fingers, arms, toes and legs(I leave this thought to the creativity of the readers' minds) when Ms.Shanti walked calmly towards them with a bunch of colourful comment papers. Slowly revealing the ranking like how one would reveal one's cards during chinese new year while praying for a BlackJack or OneLup, Gustave and Moi felt a warm feeling of success and satisfaction. Ranking for ROUND 1 : 1/1 Nothing more, nothing less. (The closer to 1, the better the ranking) With comments such as "Good voice projection!" and "Excellent!" :)

This was a perfect flawless start for Moi and a sure sign to Gustave that he was on the right track and wasn't jinxed with forgetting lines and swelling ears.

...Alright then Pat, cya soon. Hello Tiger! Isidore here...

THAT is how fast Shanti expects us to change. For today, Pat and Wayne have earned thier rest. It is time for the street-wise, hardened, sibling-protective, gangster Tiger and the wacky, narcissistic, corny schizo Isidore to go thier seperate ways with the hopes of meeting each other in the Grand FinalÈ.

The dabating dou John and Wilson came out with a big smile on thier faces. "We showed them mercy." said the ever sadistic John Siao, who proceded with Ben and Wilson to thier Extempt and Impromtu.

Jack and Tristen got a 2/4 ranking for thier duet, not bad, but not so good either. However, thier performance was better than the practice sessions in school. Things would get better for them.

...However...

The highlighted words "DQ" on one of Sean and Richard's comment sheet pissed off many Victorians. The judge...was from Assunta. "Wait...ASSUNTA?! Why?!" Thought the blissfully innocent Gustave :P. Apparantly, Assunta have relied one more than just thier acting skills to get through. Pulling the stronger teams down so that your team goes up IS a good, yet low, tactic. My, my, my! I wonder WHO would have done such a thing *ahem*..SHAI..*incoherant cough*..LAJA..*ahem*

Sadly, the journey to glory ended, when it shouldn't, for two Victorians unfortunate enough to give an Assu....*ahem* judge the chance to disqualify them.

The Bohemian Rhapsody singer Ryan, came out with a very annoyingly common ranking-
2/4 in Oratory Intepretation. And unfortunately for Alex, his 4/4 ranking for his Irish accented "Sir Gallahad" meant only one thing: Either he gets a perfect 1/1 tomorow...or its all over.

The Sri KDU duo, who were responsible for connecting VI and Sri KDU via Gustave...and maybe John and Berlyn helped too, got an off setting ranking of 3/4 with silly comments such as "Your play was too childish" and "Try to be more mature" WHAT?! Caliing an actor's play childish is VERY insulting indeed. However, with a 1/2 ranking coming from different judges tomorow, they still have a shot at semis.

The look on Berlyn's face told everyone that she was confident of making it to the Semi-Finals.


Just then, Gus got curious and asked to see Ahmad Farid Zamil's solo script. "I don't have a script. It's all in my head" made Ms.Shanti go berzerk! Days ago, Ms.Shanti was talking about how she hadn't even seen Zam Zam's act, but know that he won't let her down. Now, she isn't so sure... However, a pen, paper and Shanti's reputation that allowed her to use a photocopying machine anytime she liked got Zamil through HLAF AN HOUR before the solo acting event. Now THAT is the Victorian Spirit. Haha!

Accompaniying Isidore to his room was Ms.Shanti Purushothman, Avinash (the new blood), and some other juniors and Exs such as John Mar...

This was a major boost to his confidence, ego, and narcissism. However, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction as Isidore's fear of going overtime came true... 43 seconds true! Now THAT was a major "potong steam" or rather, tire puncture to his big head. Switching back, Gus toke consolation in Ms.Shanti, Moi, and the fact that his act was good enough for the judges to let him continue long after the time limit =P

Gus(for now) went to support Tiger immediately after Isidore was subdued. Tiger did well. Anger, sadness portrayed well. No fear of overtime either.

Moi was satisfied and John and Wilson had mixed feelings after loosing a match in debate after reading thier red and green comment sheets. 1/2 for Tiger...Although room for improvement was evident..."piece overdramatised","Sometimes your hands were just hanging by your sides"

Gus was somehow crushed(that "thing between his legs shrinking again") and devastated that he got a 1/1 but was pulled to 2/2 because of the overtime. I failed to capitalise. ARGH!! This is a time for desperate measures...Shanti Editing!

Apart from thier unfazed commitment, unkillable disire, and vigorous training, Gus and Moi had a secret weapon...

HONEY!

...that's right. The magic of a sip of honey just before an act does wonders...whether its the refreshment of the throut, the sugar high, or the Felix Felicis(Harry Potter potion)-golden colour of honey...don't ask. I dunno why, but it works. :)

Gus, Isidore, Pat, Moi, Tiger and Wayne all did very well today...thank you.

The Perfect Prefects

In this age that is dominated by freedom, democracy and peace, thank God for VI prefects to maintain the balance of Dictatorship.

The prefects of Victoria Institution rule with a fist of iron and a loud and thunderous scream. Thier favourite prey? Form 1 students. But they abuse form 3's and 4's to keep in shape. This is absolutely neccesery to ensure that there is an aura of hatred, fear, and hell in the school. Without this, school would ACTUALLY seem like a nice place!

Prefects are our role models. They people who we look up to...unfortunately some prefects are so short that I have to squat in order to do that. Anyway, it's not thier apperance that matters. Although they wear lots of WHITE to cover up thier BLACK shoes...it's almost like a metafore! Some say "Do not judge a book by its cover" In VI...The "Book's contents" are much "better" than its cover. It is full of anger, hatred, abuse, egoism, dictatorship and pure asshole-ness. These are the values that are much lacking in society! It's up to the VI prefects to cultivate such ....unique values! Without them, the school would be in order and boring. For it is the prefects who.....stir up trouble. This is actually helpful! For you will learn how to tolerate, or rather, ignore such people when you go out into the "real" world.

Usually you would greet someone with a boring and lame "hi","hello" or even "how do you do?" The prefects however, found a more "interesting" and unique way of greeting fellow human beings! "Who the fuck do you think you are?!" was the first thing Syamir, a prefect, said to me. This turns and ordinary boring greeting into a more blood-pumping verbal assault! How fun it is! By the way, don't be surprised when a prefect of VI grabs you by your collar. It is a "greeting"...instead of a normal, whimpish handshake.

Being a prefect is one of the best things that can possibly happen to you! First of all, you get the authority to verbally, physically.....and even sexually abuse students! Plus the teachers will congratulate you for making life a living hell for the students and leaving them with scars! You will lose all of your friends, and be independent and self-reliant! No more friends to waste your time on! All the more time to spend on satifying your sadistic needs! Ah! A prefects life is god-like in VI.

Prefects are necessary in a school just as clowns are necessary in a circus. We must stop hating them and learn to laugh at them!