Its a shit-shat life for us...

I am writing this under the intense need to move my bowels...or pass motion...or shit.

Why?


Inspiration.


Now, we have all taken on a whole bowl of tom-yam or an extra-spicy helping of curry laksa. We have the wave of joy when the burning concoction goes down our throats. Then comes the wave of relief after the effects have worn off. Then comes the wave of accomplishment in knowing that you are one mouthful closer to finishing you meal. Then the process is repeated until you successfully conquer and OwN your spicy food or puke trying...

...the one who puke are the lucky ones...

...because it may take 3 hours...or 6... or half a day... or even a day or two...but eventually...it will come out from your other end hotter and badder than ever before!

This is commonly known as "Flaming-Shit Syndrome". This shit is badly digested. Chilli seeds, chilli skin, red sambal oil, and even trace amounts of human faeces can be found in it. Due to its soft texture, Flaming-shits usually take the shape of a "banana" as it slides, if you are lucky, spurts, if you are not so lucky, or gushes,if you have the luck of a six-legged cat which just shattered a mirror, right out of your butt. After this shit hits the water, it has a rather "fuzzy" or "furry" appearance, that is, if it is mostly solid. A very interesting assortment of particles can also be seen floating around. Right about now you will probably be having the time of your life if you enjoy burning pain.

Symptoms of Flaming-Shit Syndrome include feeling liquid churning inside of you, a burning sensation in your large intestine, excessive perspiration due to the intense need to do some business, and a dangerously wet and moist fart. If symptoms persist, do not contact the nearest physician, there is simply no time, do not seek immediate help, people will just point and laugh, instead, scramble for the nearest toilet regardless of your gender.

...OOP! ARGHhhh....nevermind...flase alarm...whew, there goes a "dangerously wet and moist fart"...


If you are out celebrating with your friends after winning some drama competition, stuffing yourself with "bottomless nacho chips", indulging in exotic sushi, or even making a nuclear bomb by eating durian, curry, papaya, and glutinous rice, be prepared to pay the price. A price beyond RM and Dollars...

...suddenly, and warm and even more dangerously wet fart emerges! This time smelling like eggs! Half-boiled eggs!
Good ol' Diarrhoea is back smellng more like warm eggs than before. Expect to find a brown patch on your undies, and that is from the vapor alone. If a fart gets too wet...well...there's really nothing much you can do except enjoy it trickling down your legs as you sprint for the washroom. Diarrhoea simply looks like one nasty work of art. This is for illustration purposes only, the colours may vary from each person as well as the ingredients.

Symptoms include weak, wobbly legs, loud gurgling of liquid in stomach, distinct smell of eggs, extreme tension, and wet, brown footprints leading to the toilet. So the next time you see someone like that, point and laugh and stay the hell out of their way to the toilet.


Scrunching up your face in your tenth atempt to get that stubborn piece of "cake" out? Are you clenching you fist and fighting with every ounce of your strenght only to fail again? You, my friend, have Constipation!

Although being on the opposite ends of the shit spectrum, one being as hard as sea-biscuit and the other hardly solid, they are both equally exciting! Choose from either a slow painful tiring challenge, or go for the adrenalin pumping blast of brown lava!

Constipation and Diarrhoea may be arch enemies, but by being the enemy of your enemy, does that make you (sh)its friend? You wish!


I hope this has been useful and will make you think deeper, harder, mushier, and brownier about shit.
Shitting will never be the same again!

-GuZtave