Its a shit-shat life for us...

I am writing this under the intense need to move my bowels...or pass motion...or shit.

Why?


Inspiration.


Now, we have all taken on a whole bowl of tom-yam or an extra-spicy helping of curry laksa. We have the wave of joy when the burning concoction goes down our throats. Then comes the wave of relief after the effects have worn off. Then comes the wave of accomplishment in knowing that you are one mouthful closer to finishing you meal. Then the process is repeated until you successfully conquer and OwN your spicy food or puke trying...

...the one who puke are the lucky ones...

...because it may take 3 hours...or 6... or half a day... or even a day or two...but eventually...it will come out from your other end hotter and badder than ever before!

This is commonly known as "Flaming-Shit Syndrome". This shit is badly digested. Chilli seeds, chilli skin, red sambal oil, and even trace amounts of human faeces can be found in it. Due to its soft texture, Flaming-shits usually take the shape of a "banana" as it slides, if you are lucky, spurts, if you are not so lucky, or gushes,if you have the luck of a six-legged cat which just shattered a mirror, right out of your butt. After this shit hits the water, it has a rather "fuzzy" or "furry" appearance, that is, if it is mostly solid. A very interesting assortment of particles can also be seen floating around. Right about now you will probably be having the time of your life if you enjoy burning pain.

Symptoms of Flaming-Shit Syndrome include feeling liquid churning inside of you, a burning sensation in your large intestine, excessive perspiration due to the intense need to do some business, and a dangerously wet and moist fart. If symptoms persist, do not contact the nearest physician, there is simply no time, do not seek immediate help, people will just point and laugh, instead, scramble for the nearest toilet regardless of your gender.

...OOP! ARGHhhh....nevermind...flase alarm...whew, there goes a "dangerously wet and moist fart"...


If you are out celebrating with your friends after winning some drama competition, stuffing yourself with "bottomless nacho chips", indulging in exotic sushi, or even making a nuclear bomb by eating durian, curry, papaya, and glutinous rice, be prepared to pay the price. A price beyond RM and Dollars...

...suddenly, and warm and even more dangerously wet fart emerges! This time smelling like eggs! Half-boiled eggs!
Good ol' Diarrhoea is back smellng more like warm eggs than before. Expect to find a brown patch on your undies, and that is from the vapor alone. If a fart gets too wet...well...there's really nothing much you can do except enjoy it trickling down your legs as you sprint for the washroom. Diarrhoea simply looks like one nasty work of art. This is for illustration purposes only, the colours may vary from each person as well as the ingredients.

Symptoms include weak, wobbly legs, loud gurgling of liquid in stomach, distinct smell of eggs, extreme tension, and wet, brown footprints leading to the toilet. So the next time you see someone like that, point and laugh and stay the hell out of their way to the toilet.


Scrunching up your face in your tenth atempt to get that stubborn piece of "cake" out? Are you clenching you fist and fighting with every ounce of your strenght only to fail again? You, my friend, have Constipation!

Although being on the opposite ends of the shit spectrum, one being as hard as sea-biscuit and the other hardly solid, they are both equally exciting! Choose from either a slow painful tiring challenge, or go for the adrenalin pumping blast of brown lava!

Constipation and Diarrhoea may be arch enemies, but by being the enemy of your enemy, does that make you (sh)its friend? You wish!


I hope this has been useful and will make you think deeper, harder, mushier, and brownier about shit.
Shitting will never be the same again!

-GuZtave

Of Sentosas and Ms.Ngs

It has been 1 and a half year since I left the wonderful, magical, colourful government owned land of SMK Sri Sentosa, but the memories are still as fresh as a load of business after eating curry laksa and durian...

...especially the NO BELTS ALLOWED IN SCHOOL rule, the NO TISSUE PAPER ALLOWED because "students will throw is EVERYWHERE after they use it", and the NO EXPENSIVE PENS (RM1).

First of all, WTF?! ...As in what the fuck, where the fuck, and WHY the fuck?!


When you buy 3 new pairs of school pants and are all set for a school year in Sri Sentosa, what do you hear on "orientation" day?

"Students are not allowed to wear fancy shoes with high heels. Yes, like this boy's. And no sport shoe BRAND like SPARX. Shoes cannot have any plastic or rubber on the top part. And you must all cut off your belt straps now, because students will use their belts to fight. These are the school rules, if you don't like them then you can always transfer to another school."

OK! So this school is strict, and I don't wanna cause trouble before the first day. So I'll cut off the belt straps and take off my belt. What could be so bad?! Oh crap...now I have to tuck in my shirt extra so that my pants won't dropp down. AND I have to buy a new pair of shoes because Ms.Ng says that "High-heel SPARX"(shoes with a less than one inch rubber sole for protection) shoes will cause me to sprain my ankle.
-The first fuck.
Fuck you Ms.Ng, I have NEVER ....ok maybe twice but that wasn't really spraining....sprained my ankle when I wore these type of shoes in PRIMARY school. HOWEVER, I walk on roads littered with sharp rocks, broken glass and I have stepped on thumbtacks before. And what's wrong with a little plastic or rubber on the top part of the shoe?! Will it seep into our skin and cause cancer forcing us to cut off our feet to live?!
WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Anyway, I bought a pair of 'pallas' shoes which lack grip and support and actually caused me to trip trice in 2 years. And I walk around school a bit funny because my pants always feel like they are about to reveal the colour of my underwear to the world. Thank you for the idea of using belts as lethel weapons, although in sentosa I guess I'll have to use my necktie. Thank you oh so fucking much, Ms.Ng.


"Boy your hair is too long" Fine! I'll cut it.

"Students are not allowed to put anything on their hair. No Brylcream™ allowed!"
Hence we came to school the next day using Gatsby™. :P In your face!

"Students are not allowed to put ANYTHING on their hair, no gel, no cream, no spray."
Hence my hair looked messy and i walked around Sentosa in my shorts looking like a hobo on crack.
To show how "serious" they are at combatting creativity and fucking freedom, they made the dogs in blue...sry...the prefects of sentosa check EVERY SINGLE STUDENTS' HAIR during the daily assembly, which is 1PM, under the beautiful, wonderfully scorching sun. The bright side is...well, the sun, and that we got to go to class almost missing one whole period.

"These are the school rules, if you don't like them you can always transfer to another school. There are A LOT of students waiting to be accepted into this priveledged school."
FINE! I'll kill my hairdo to stay in this wonderful school where we get to assemble daily in the blazing sun and where belts and tissue paper are treated like drugs...except that teachers get to use them.(again, these are the rules, STFU or change schools)

Thanks to the school rules, we all get a free suntan! And we are saving trees because we use water to spray our anus' instead of tissue paper. Thank you oh so fricking much, Ms.Ng.


Fine, I'll shave my damn head so that there is no hair on my head to look messy.
"Aiyo! Don't you know that students cannot have fashionable hairstyles?!"
OMFGWTFBBQROFL?!
In case you wore your glasses on your saggy nearly non-existant boobs, I HAVE NO FRICKING HAIR!

"This is the skinhead style, right?"
No, this is the " 'botak No.3' so I have to go to the barber less and save some money so that I can afford fragile low quality pallas™ shoes style"

"This is totally unacceptable."
And what the hairy fuck are you going to do about it?! Force me to grow hair?! Suspend me from school till my hair grows back?!

Oh right, fashion makes you stupid and having long/fashionable/NO hair affects the human brain, preventing us from learning, making us stupid, and giving us a higher chance of developing Alzheimers. Why didn't I see that before?
Oops, I was too busy memorising this stupid sentosa rulebook and...wait a sec...OMG! Ms.Ng, your hair is permed! Do not worry, I will send deformed, abused, mutant chimpanzees to fuck and rape your hair. I heard monkey semen reverses the effects of perming. In fact...hey! It's in the sentosa rulebook!


D'oh, I forgot to bring my homework.
...Oh no...what have I DONE?!

"Students who do not hand in their homework on time will get 3-6 demerit point, students who skip school will get 15 demerit points per day. When your demerit points reach 15, you will get 1 stroke, when it reaches 20, you will get 2 strokes and a councelling session. When it reaches 40 you will be expeled. At the end of the year, student who collect the most MERIT points will get a certificate!! *pauses for appluase*.........................................................................................*continues when crickets can be heard chirping* You can get merit points for helping teachers and holding a post such a a sentosa prefect."

Ahhhh....where to start? Hmm...what?! New cyber cafe opened?! Where? Ok. FREE PLAY FOR 2 WHOLE WEEKS?! YES!...... And off goes my dear friend Ashath to go spend his 1 and a half weeks at Warnet!
Let's see....wed,thu,fri,mon,tue,wed,thu,fri......8 times 15 = 120 demerit points.......OMGWTF?! He could be kicked out of sentosa 3 times! Combined with the 163 demerit points he already has......Huh? Hey! Ashath! Yeah, its been 2 months since Warnet opened and their business is still good....

Just like that, Ms.Ng introduced a way to lamely attempt to scare students and The Ultimate Sucker Upper for students. Just like that, a group of perfectly fine students joined the legion of Sentosa Blue Dogs...erm....sentosa prefects! Just like that and she finally gets low self-esteem students to slurp, lick, kiss, suck AND blow her wrinkly, saggy, "past expiry date" virgin vagina!

"These are the school rules, if you don't like them you can always transfer schools."

Suck you Ms.Ng. Suck you indeed.

And just as you think things will be better when you survive and escape the bitch of Ms.Hg when you move on to the morning session (form3), I found out that the JUNIOR debate team I've been trying to put together since February has no SENIOR team to be JUNIOR to! Ms.Ng? I think you have some explaining to do...

Btw, she thinks that the once a year INTER CLASS DEBATE is good enough. Same as the ONCE A YEAR DURING TEACHERS' DAY DRAMA. Sentosa drama team my Victorian ass, I get more drama while playing DotA with Moi Kok Lum.

Apparantly, Ms.Ng focuses on sports ONLY. She does not allow students to participate in any inter-school debate or drama competition. Sentosa rulebook always states that we have to get consent of the school in order to participate in ANY competition.

Why?! Well, so that the school can be there to suck up all the glory that they don't deserve. And who the ass-wiping fuck are you to stop us from competing in competitions which you will suck up the glory anyway?!


"Don't ask what the school can do for you, ask what you can do for the school."

Why? Why mustn't we ask?! Because the answer will probably be..."Umm...well sentosa is a school...and I am Ms.Ng....um.....you can get merit points...and you can learn about...ermm....and then there's merit points....erm....."
WHAT THE BBQ FUCK DOES SENTOSA UNDER CONTROL OF MS.NG HAVE TO OFFER TO US?!
Do you need the school more, or does the school need you more. SOMEHOW I feel its the latter.

"...remember, its the school rules, if you don't like them..."

*cheap pair of pallas™ shoes fly at Ms.Ng, hitting her in the ass....erm...I mean the face*

FINE! OH SO FUCKING FINE! YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT!

Transfer school?! No problem.

And a one hour journey on foot during the holidays to accuire the transfer papers threw Ms.Ng's words right down her squaky mouth.


~...3 weeks since the start of 2005 pasts...~
...what the...a letter from Sri Sentosa begging for me to go back? :P
.
.
.
"......your son has not been attending school for more than 14 consecutive days. If you do not meet the school authorities to clarify the matter, your son will be expeled."
.
.
.
OMFGWTFBBQROFL?!

~Newsflash~ You can't expel me, Ms.Ng! I'm not in sentosa anymore!

Do not get the wrong idea that I dislike Ms.Ng. I do not dislike her. I just happen to fucking hate that wrinkly, saggy, anti-creativity, 45-year old virgin who has lived WAY past HER expiry date to the deep, dark, mold-infested toilet bowls of SMK Sri Sentosa.


MS.NG
FUCK YOU ,.l.. (-_-) ..l., FUCK YOU