Rempit: The One-Wheeled Wonders

Aiman's, a good friend of mine who bends to the left, description of Mat Rempits is "Random little malay guys who 'tune-up' random little motorcycles and ride around the streets.". Its either that or "Do you see those Malay dudes with mullets 'lepak-ing' and smoking outside that shopping complex? Rempit alert!"
Other characteristics of Mat Rempits include the look of despair of a suicidal person, a vocabulary consisting mostly or exclusively of "Eleh..." "Babilah kau..." "Eh...apa jeje ni? apa jeje ni?!" "Wah, spid giler" "Chee-lar-kah-bar-bee-pooh-kee-mark-kau" "Yeee-aaaahhh, aku hebat!" and "Aduh, dah patah dah".

Ever since a few months ago, the word 'Mat Rempit' can be seen all over newspapers and 8pm news. Also included are the various good deeds and the tire-marks of destruction and obstruction left behind by these two-legged, one-wheeled wonders.

"Mat Rempit harasses driver" "...they started surrounding me and threw rocks at my windshield..."
"Man beaten up by Mat Rempits" "...they said my car was blocking their racetrack, then they beat me up..."
"Rempits attack police" "...they became aggressive after a while and started smashing the windscreens..."

Obviously. These midnight bikers have been gravely misunderstood. I bet that they were just teasing the driver by pelting little harmless pebbles at his car. He must have over-reacted and can't even take a joke. In the other case, the guy was blocking their race-track, so he was obviously provoking them. Hah. Different people show their affection for authority differently. So when the Rempits started smashing the police cars up, they were just trying to say "I love you so-o-o much". They are harmless anyway. However, thanks to newspapers which tells the truth in gory detail, these road-loving, windscreen smashin', engine-revvin', Rempits are being made into bad guys.

After a while, some Kementerian something Minister someone genius proposed that rempits be made into a "tourist attraction". The obvious flaw in this proposal is, of course, that we have to compete with war-ridden countries. I mean, sure the Rempits can cause the equivalent of "all hell breaking loose", but tourist would much rather flock to Iraq to see bloodbaths and mangled corpes. So maybe not...
Unless we clear out an entire highway for these Rempits to perform their, usually death-defying (Guess what happens when they are not death-defying), circus stunts. Who wants a T-shirt?

Why stop at a T-shirt when you can also get the Kementerian endorsed 'Tuak Rempit'? Now comes in fruity flavours. Tuak Rempit is a volatile mix of terrapin blood, sugar, and other adrenaline-inducing goodness. It helps Rempits to get pumped up and ready for their suicidal stunts. It also nullifies pains that may occur due to broken or severed limbs, broken necks, cracked skulls, spinal injuries, and death.* These miracle drinks are priced at RM 4.90 per pack. Ah, there's nothing like a hot cup of Rempit goodness.

*Not sold in stores near you. Guaranteed Halal.

Today, Wednesday 13 December, I flipped open a copy of The Star, while still rubbing my eyes, and guess what I found on page 14. "Engaging Mat Rempit with useful activities".

This Kementerian dude, "Deputy Information Minister Datuk Ahmad Zahid Hamidi", says that all this while we have been seeing Mat Rempits in a negative light. He hopes that the 'kumuniti bestari' can look at their positive side and come up with activities for them. Unfortunately, he did not elaborate further, even though he is the "Deputy *Information* Minister". Fortunately, I will.

The smart-community programme will look at their positive side and come up with activities for them. I don't know what positivity they see in Rempits, but I will tell you what I see. I see road accidents with burning vehicles, or whatever is left of them, and assorted body parts laden all over the street. The burning vehicles will contribute to global warming, pity those kids who are freezing in those third-world countries. Whereas the body part will provide weeks of food for wild rodents and crows. How cute.
Another positive thing about Rempits is that they attack the police and the public. I guess out of 5 cops that they club, 3 might be corrupt and probably deserve t be thought a lesson anyway. 3 out of 5, good enough. Rempits, it is up to you to fight this injustice!
Have you ever been picked on? Is your boss evil? Did someone get away with something bad and there's nothing you can do to them?
Relax, one day, these friendly neighbourhood Rempits might take one of those people out, after, of course, bashing up tons grannies and innocent drivers. But, its worth it, no?

As for activities...

You are a Rempit.

You look to your left. You see some random Kementerian dudes and dudettes waving flags and banners with "Join the smart community today! Make a change!", and "Mari menyertai kumuniti bestari" on them. You understand neither slogans. You conclude that at least one the banners must be in some foreign language, because of the words "smart" and "change", and it promises cleaning drains and helping the needy.

You look to your right. You see a long stretch of road as far as the eye can see, or as far as 1km, whichever comes first. You imagine yourself gulping down Tuak Rempit while speeding past and terrorizing school children and senior citizens. You look at the expressions of fear and abject terror on their faces. Your pants suddenly becomes very tight between the leg area.

You rev the engine of your Kriss 1.2 litre motorcycle.
What will you do?

I also remember Wai Hung telling me that some random Kementerian dude, who might be Hisap... I mean Hishamuddin, said "Rempits are the future leaders of Malaysia".
Imagine that. Imagine Rempits with mullets and ciggarettes in their mouths riding on in front of a crowd while waving the Jalur Gemilang. Wow. Wouldn't that be beautiful?

Thumbs up for UMNO, and their kuminiti bestari. Two thumbs up for Badawi, whom I quote saying "We must educate them, if we cannot fight them, join them." and the vice president of UMNO who said "Nak rempit boleh, but stay in school.", which makes just about as much sense as "Go to the loo, eat some poo-poo, be cool, stay in school."

Rempits, newspapers rely on you for frontpage material. Rempits, you are an example of all that is care-free and good in Malaysia. Rempits, the future of Malaysia is in your hands! You ARE the future of Malaysia.

Now, excuse me while I come up with the lyrics of a song I'm writing entitled "Wawasan 3030" which is due for release in year 2020.

P.S. People have also mistaken me for a Rempit several times with hilarious results, until they find out that my name is Gustave Oon.
Cheers.

*DISCLAIMER*
No Mat Rempits were injured or killed in the making of this blog.

The little things...

Sometimes we rush through life. Following the latest trends. Doing what everyone else is doing. Cursing our parents for being too strict, old-fashioned, or absent-minded.

Goth or heavy-metal-punk-rock...whatever it's called, seems to be a hit with teenagers like you and me and Regina and every other 16 year-old Tom, Dick and Harry. I listen to it not because I love wearing black make-up and fantasize about suicide, but because some of my friends listen to it. Peer pressure, you know...ok, a few of the songs are nice. Particularly, Dead. It seems like I would like to see certain people dead. Then my player shuffles to a song by Tenacious D, Tribute. I noticed the sudden silence and lack of screaming. It was weird, but pleasing. No, I am not touching myself. You can actually make out most of the words they are singing. Plus their songs do not rock all the time, so when they DO rock, you notice. Whereas the "rock" songs are just rocking away like cocks on viagra. It's like sex. Wouldn't it be weird if you are orgasming the whole time? Hah. Appreciate those good ol' songs. It is impossible for me to blog when someone is shouting "WHAT'S THE WORST THING I COULD SAY?! THINGS ARE BETTER IF I STAY!!.."
I'm not dissing punk rock or My Chemical Romance...its just...too much of it.

Now, remember when you were a kid? Those with amnesia are excused. Didn't it piss you off when you asked your parents some simple questions and they either nodded, grunted, or shoo-ed you away with one hand?

I NEED 3 SECONDS OF YOUR TIME!
JUST TELL ME WHERE THE PEANUT-BUTTER COOKIES ARE!

Sound familiar?
Today I was having dinner, while watching Ed on StarWorld. My 5 year-old cousin Henry came up and asked me what time "The Law of Ueki" would be aired on Animax.

"Yea.."
"...I know, but what time is it, Gus?"
"...Mmm...yea Henry..."
"What time is.."
"Later! Haiyo!"
"...hmph..."

He then proceeds to sulk. It was only during a commercial that reminded me of my childhood and "those busy adults" that I popped up and looked for Henry. I told him that it was 7pm on Tuesday. He smiled. Then I asked him if he would like to turn his hair green. The smile grew wider, but it was not ear-splitting or anything physically impossible made into metaphor. He was obviously pleased with his temporarily green hair. His mum wasn't.

10 minutes later, Henry's brother, Timothy, who is still learning how to say my name correctly, ran around screaming in joy. Unfortunately, to me, it was just screaming. He had discovered Hacks, the black-greenish-cough-relieving candy that teenage smokers use to cover their deeds in school. He stood in front of the television, and I looked him in the eye and actually told him to "move away". Either he did not understand or he wanted to tick me off. Considering that he still wears diapers, I think its the former. So I moved him. He moved back. I moved him again. He came around the table and straightened his arm, offering me something. Unfortunately, I saw this as an act of aggression and grabbed his arm. He drop a small black object on the table. It was a Hacks candy...or whatever was left of it.

Do you know those kids who are anti-social retards? Those who fear rejection more than they fear Victorian prefects? You know...the kid in those movies who have loads of talent but needs someone to encourage him throughout the movie, who then at a crucial potentially heroic moment near the end jumps up and saves the day?

I think I just contributed towards pushing this kid a little nearer to the edge. Imagine Timothy. He discovered an amazing new food, and the first thing he did was run up to me screaming and jumping in joy just to share it with me. And the first thing I did was shout "QUIET! Move away, Timmy!"

Yes, I am a bastard. XD

No, I did not realize my mistake then. However, in order to hush him, I did pick the saliva-covered remnants of that Hacks sweet and, realizing from that innocently eager stare on his face that he was not going to give up until I put it in my mouth. So, doing what any Johnny loving, anime watching, 16-year-old teenager would do, (I'm looking at you.) I picked up the black piece and, after looking at the bubble of saliva on it, pretended to put it in my mouth and chew.

What would you have done?
(No, Shaun, this question does not require an answer in the comments section)

Sit back, relax, clear your head, and appreciate the little things in life. Because if you don't, ants will be swarming around pieces of candy left on the floor by innocent little kids.

Defense of the Ancients : 101

DotA.
The reason gamers stay up till 3 a.m.

DotA.
The one thing that transforms your basic average guy into a red-hot swearing machine.

DotA.
The ultimate test of friendship and trust.

DotA.
One of the greatest games ever.

Step into any cyber-cafe, and you will see little tree-men and skeletons swatting away at each other. Hang around the classroom, and jargon that consists of "BKB, MKB, Buriza, Stygian, Divine, Backstab and Gandbang" can be heard. And no, rape, in the normal context, is not involved.

When your ammunition belt goes off...

It never ceases to amaze me that so much can change so quickly. I wouldn't say in the blink of an eye. More like a dozen DotA games and several Kumon worksheets later. It all began on a Monday.

BlackLight.co.nr went down.

I wanted to DotA. It's the holidays. My fingers itch for hotkeys, my ears yearn for shouts of 'OWNAGE' and 'TRIPLE KILL', my eyes long for a dwarven sniper who just left himself open for a backstab. DotA.
A super thunderstorm happened. The DSL light stopped blinking. No DotA. My phone line is down.

I woke up to a dozen miss calls from Aiman and Amirul, which could only mean one thing, they are itching to go jamming. Aiman's grandma is having heart problems and is being hospitalized. His family is staying at a hotel nearby.
I made rendezvous with a long lost friend of mine, inviting me to go out for a movie with some of his friends.
Aiman said he would call back at noon to confirm the jamming. He called at 1pm. No jamming. His grandma passed away.

~I am listening to My Chemical Romance now. Gotta get the atmosphere.~

A TMnet truck stopped outside my house. A fat malay man climbed up the telephone pole and opened the casing. A very bored, and very frustrated (5 days without phone and internet wei) Gus showed his love for TMnet's customer service by sniping Fat Malay Man with his BBguns. Fat Malay Man got angry and started "swearing by the moon and the sun and the stars". No dial tone. Gus' hope for internet dies.

Big thunderstorm returns, phoneline doesn't. Backyard sinks by two feet, grandma panics. Grandma calls relatives. Gus takes pictures. Gus and Hans bunk in at grandma's room due to fear of huge landslide in the middle of the night. The next day, backyard sinks 8 feet. Grandma freaks out, Dad calls contracters. No more sleeping in for Gus. Workers start banging at the wall with sledge hammer from 9am.

I spent a whole hour toiling with my modem's port forwarding in order to create DotA games on BlueServer.org and have the supreme, ultimate power to kick players with 88, JBK, more than 2 z's,BaoBao, or SieNzZ, in their names.
Then I resetted my Aztech modem for it to take effect. No supreme, ultimate power. My modem died.

~I clicked the little blue button with an 'X' on the top right corner of my Creative MediaSource player. Music can be so distracting, especially after 1 hour of goth kids screaming threats of suicide and what nots.~

I called up Wai Hung to check out my comp and modem. He came the next day.
Apparantly, I have to hunt for a nearly non-existant motherboard and haul my modem back to LowYat to get it fixed. It rained again.

~I just realized, my freaking backyard is gone. Well, its mostly on the zinc rooftop of the house below it.~

The contractor and his underpaid workers are gone, but my backyard is still not there. They do not have "the necessary tools". I want my backyard back.

Hung did the unthinkable by hooking up my supposedly busted Kasda modem, which is provided by flalala-ing TMnet. Hallelujah. I can DotA.

No, I cannot. Very familiar signs of Indonesian trouble showed up on my computer. Double-clicking Panda Anti-Virus causes it to restart. This can only mean one thing. Brontok.A.
As if they haven't caused enough trouble by having a nation-wide camp fire, some self-righteous bastard comes up with this virus that spawns a window when you open internet explorer with a message that goes something like this :

"Hentikan kebrobrokan di negeri ini. Stop aborsi!!! Go to Hell!! Hentikan free sex!!! Hentikan porn!!!"

~I'm assuming the creator is an Indonesian by the "kebrobrokan" (keburuk-burukkan). ~

This delusional, self-righteous asswipe thinks he can stop free-sex. Haha. Its hoping that each time people have free sex they'll think of his message and "potong steam". And stopping porn? That is like saying you want to siege Heaven AND Hell with a BBgun in nothing but a pair of underwear and a St.John necktie.

Panda doesn't work. NOD32 gets stopped while being downloaded. MacAfee and Norton are way too high profiled.
Wise up Brontok, AVG can kick your ass.

*20 minutes, one crapping session, and 234 detected copies of Brontok.A later, Gus returns to his computer. The rain has stopped and the flourescent light is turned on. This IS the Hallelujah effect.*

The WC3 Banlist is working again. Gus is kicking people like SieNNzZ88 out over and over again. He wonders what force drives them to rejoin a room which they have been kicked out off a dozen times in the last minute. Gus concludes that they want to swear at him and continues kicking them. Holy shits, triple kills and OWNAGE fill the brightly light computer room with a view of KLCC, hills and potential BBgun targets. Aiman messages Gus asking him to go online for the link to his blog, The Smoking Monkey, because he is thinking of putting the link on a T-shirt he found. AVG is up and running and kicking virus ass while still allowing DotA and porn to be downloaded.

The world is a beautiful place once again.

Hallelujah!